Saturday, April 26, 2008

It is so hard to let go.

Lately I’ve started the first moment of every day coconsciously taking an emotional inventory by checking the intensity of the empty feeling located just under my heart.

I recognize the sensation as I have experienced it before immediately after the deaths of my little sister, my mother and a close personal friend. It is an emotion and a feeling that I will experience again and more often as I am getting older and it is the way life progresses. The emotion is grief.

It has been so extremely hard these past two weeks dealing with the sense of loss in the aftermath of our daughter moving out and burning her bridges so well essentially committing what I have come to call Famicide. (Suicide from family.)

What is so difficult is dealing with the loss on the level of a death because the circumstance of her departure only allows us to deal with it in that way. And so…

I look at the clear blue sky and instinctively think of the joy she would show… but she is gone.

I watch a baby animal or smell a flower and think how she would … but she is gone.

I take an unconscious inventory of home and family and things to share… but she is gone.

I think of the hugs and the promises, the feelings of father… but she is gone.

I find myself hopelessly attempting to mentally twist events of the future so she can come home… but she is gone.

I unconsciously sense through the moments of the day the void within entity of family. My family is there… but she is gone.

After five years of life, five years of family, five years of love… she is gone.

She is gone and so I must accept that each waking morning I will have to assess that hollow feeling in my heart. I also know though that time will pass and time will heal and day by day things will adjust so love will be remembered but not the loss.

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